(State)

A couple of weeks ago, a small tug-like boat arched deep across the inlet, pushed smoke into the air, and magnified the gleam of the setting sun off its shiny exterior.  I watched, mesmerized by the view before me.  The mountain stood proud in the background.  My mountain.  Its there every sunny day, and every so often when the clouds are still making up their mind.  I snapped into consciousness and ran for the camera.  The lens in place too short, I know.  Quickly, I switched out the caps, ran back, but missed the boat.  The puff of smoke remained.  The mountain would stay for another hour.  The water will always be there.  A memory cemented, nonetheless  because I took time to savor and record.

That's the balance I'm trying to master.


For too many weeks, the technology demons had been voodooing my blog.  A broken url, frustration over what to do, tumbleweeds in the form of google help center; well, it all lead to throwing my hands up in the air, shutting the screen down, and thinking, this isn't worth it.  None of this matters.  I'm going to move on.


But, I kept coming back.  That nagging feeling persisted.  And not the feeling you get when you know your oil is waaay overdue in your car or its about time to see a doctor for the cough that's been around for three weeks.  No, this was more of a inner harmony kind of thing.  Fix it, make it right, then write.  So I kept pounding away, and finally got a new domain to work.

Part of me feels guilty for adding state.  The part of me who gets annoyed when DC is referred to Washington exclusively.  We are better.


It seems like a small sacrifice.


The sun is here again.  I gasped at its warmth on my skin while in a patient's room at work.  My mountain is waiting, my state is calling, and I keep the larger lens on my camera at home now.  You never know when you'll need it.

Let's explore this great place together.

Go to the Water

Today I had just enough time to throw on a windbreaker before the sun completely set.

The workday was still heavy on my shoulders. I had been incapable of shaking the energy that weighed down the entire shift. Nothing had gone right, even though nothing had really happened. I was going to give up and spend the rest of the day on the couch. I was fortunate enough to get home before dark for once. I went inside and completely changed my mind.

"No. One more thing." Is what I heard.

"Find the water."

So I threw on the jacket and hauled the dogs back out the door.

We reached the beach with moments still left in the day.

The dogs ran wild, ate mysterious sea things, I yelled and it seemed all completely hopeless. Next time they will stay home and I will sit and stare.

We walked home as the rain started to fall. As if it was telling me, "go inside now. There's nothing more you can do." Accept that today was a lousy day and maybe tomorrow I can start all over.

At least I can try again.

Right Now

The rain is hitting the roof.

My favorite sound.

Winter hasn't been so bad this year. My view has changed though.

I write on my phone on an old futon in my brothers old room. The dogs stay with me. I do this once a week to save on gas and to catch up.

I wish I would write more. I wish I would write more for me.


Lately I've felt like I'm no longer really good at a couple of things. It's probably because I've slacked off or because I don't challenge myself enough.

If I were really good at a couple of new things it would be astronomy, baking tarts, naming the Olympic mountain peaks, and skipping stones.

It's a secret relief to know that I'm still amazing at parallel parking. As if I haven't left the city.

I don't want anything else for this year but to enjoy myself. Emphasis on myself.


We have focused more on growing in our spiritual relationship and so I feel it necessary to also get lost in the woods more. That's more well rounded for my taste.


If no one reads any of this will it matter to me?

Or do I fear more that no one will read it in several years when everything is different and its harder to understand or remember what I use to feel?

Today I walked out of the grocery store in the rain and passed an old man with a cane who was done with his cart. I asked if I could take that back for him and he smiled big. I did so then started to tear up in my car. Why?


The seed catalog came in the mail today. So much for waiting to see what grows.


This always, always feels good.

Getting Sick at Wicked: An Instagram Post

We saw half of Wicked in October. Of course we dined on TD too. I will branch out and share more Seattle restaurants someday, but mom is awfully behind.

We drank at Seatown then splurged at Etta's. And got coffee at Top Pot. Then I drove around the city and got lost. Oh the embarrassment.

TD was even served at the theatre. I should have known that. I'm losing my edge.

We had the best seats ever. Then she left before Popular. How tragic. But returned before Defying Gravity.

She got sick and we left afterwards. It's okay. Im not the one who cant eat at TD anymore.

Tight Chest

Somedays are worse than others, we all know that. Sometimes for big reasons, like disasters or real pain. Others because you're a minute behind the day and can't seem to find your footing. Today started out happy, dancing in the car, became a little too stressful than I'd hoped, then lulled into the ordinary. The rain is back and will be around til the end of Spring. But is return dissipates winter smog. Bulbs will soon grow and birds will sing sweetly.

Everyday is different and yet the same right now. Finally. I've yearned for the time when he comes home and we just sit around. I threw my hands up in bed last night and screamed, "this. Is. Awesome. We are finally here. We can do what we want. We can eat nachos for dinner."

It is a constant reminder in my head to be grateful now. To be patient. And to consider the reason behind each word--mine and yours. When something stirs me up, gets my blood boiling, I have to stop, listen, listen inside of me and hush. Remember something beautiful. Read something inspiring. Push that lump and that knot in my torso away and find something else. A chance to learn. A chance to pray. A chance to teach with action.

That makes the difference in between.

While on the Topic of Notepad

While living with my parents for ten months, as a newlywed couple no less, was not ideal, we started to make it work.  I surrendered our laundry situation to the high heavens, forgot about what items I owned and lived off of what was necessary, and on most nights rested comfortably with my husband and our two, selfish, gigantic, labs.

Then, as if a light bulb went on in our heads, we had a wonderful idea.  Spend some of that money that we are saving because we don't pay for much of anything, and go away.  Two days at a time.  Just disappear.  Live it up.

Our final trip, before K's marvelous job landed in our life and we found a beautiful rental, we travelled to the Edgewater.

He picked me up after work.  I ran to his car, changed out of scrubs in the back while we rode the ferry, and found ourselves at happy hour at Six Seven some 60 minutes later.  The water on one side of us, a half off menu on the other.  That night he watched football while I took a ridiculously long, hot shower, washing whatever stress the day produced down the stone drain.

The train rode past at least every hour.  The city was alive. I was happy that we had a skyline view rather than a water view.  I see the water all the time.  Seattle itself is a once and awhile treat.  High off of the opportunity, and getting drunk off of red wine (that hurts so much later), here is what I produced.


The city at my right hand.  A glass of red wine in my left.  We are lucky.  The city is still mine, more than ever before.  Not meant truly for the 21 year olds, but those later in life who are open fully to its gifts and promises.  It's my first love.  My  current lover not jealous, open to share.  No kids, no mortgage, limited responsibility outside of work.  This is what we want out of life right now.  

These are our rebellious year.  Red wine in a rock glass, terry cloth robe on, and that big red E that has been tempting me for so long.  I'm back.  I'm home.  Let's explore.  You are mine, Seattle.

We are staying put longer than expected.  Learning to live without our "things". Memories stored in our heads not that blue box.  Parents happy.  Dogs happy. Getting to cook for four.  And doing this once and awhile.  

We adapt.  I to PA. He, here.  We to our situation.  Adapt and learn to be grateful.  No one situation is ideal.  No ones.  It's whoever learns to appreciate,who ends out coming out on top.  

That air.  Oh that air.  My oxygen. So attached to memories which I don't even remember.  


I don't know what made me stop there.  I probably spilled the wine or another trained passed.  Looking back, it's almost as if I released our problems into the universe, and it came back with a solution.  We have been in our new place for a few weeks now.  Nights in the city are now on the back burner.  Money spent on hotels is now being saved for necessities around here.


Its all important.  Its all good.  The opportunity to stay with my parents brought blessings.  Moving a half an hour away will have its own too.  We are given exactly what we need in life, we just have to realize it.

These years are still rebellious.  I plan on making them count.

I Will Do Better

I already deleted the post that I started two Fridays ago.  It seemed silly. Boring.  Weak.  And that makes me frustrated and exposed.  I don't want to write if its going to be meaningless and read like one is reading from a high school journal. While I took a break, (of what? a month?) I went back and forth with whether I should pick this up again.  No, I would think.  Everyone and their mother has a blog now.  Its not a serious thing to do.  You look stupid, I would say.  Is there anything important that you need to share?

But then I would catch myself.  In the car, repeating memories in my head, lucky to remember their little moments and wishing that I would always hold onto how they made me feel.  Then there were the times which were so mundane, yet a life revelation would pop up.  Something simple, but profound.  Maybe I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but that scrap is long gone now.  These little examples showed me that yes, I have something to say, if not only for myself to read later.  And of course, everything changed in such a significant way last month, and all I wanted to do was write, to share, to reach out to this blogging community, to convince others to love as much as they could, to connect and show how we are all similar, and to inspire you to share your story better than I could.

Boxes were in the process of being packed and the computer was just too overwhelming to try and fix.  So I typed furiously on my iPhone, even though I despise the font used in notepad. And even though it looked like way more on that tiny screen, it speaks more to me now.

We may have a lack of faith in humanity now, but what we really need is to have more confidence in ourselves.   I wrote.

Sure, there are more outlets to display what we think and how we can stand up for what we believe in, but underneath we are still scared.  Why don't we have more faith in ourselves to change? To love more. To use our gifts.  To reach out and be the best that we can be.  Not for success or fame, but for the betterment of our world.  

I have to write.  I have to remember and I have to push myself to be great.  I have to write more so that I can write better.  I have to be consistent and I have to not give up.  This is a part of me now, whether its a shitty too many paragraphs or a brilliant sentence--there's no going back.  A month off was just enough time to realize what blogging does for me.  There may be a piddly amount of comments and who the hell knows who's stalking instead of enjoying this.  It doesn't matter.  I blog for me now and that's all I can guarantee.