I Will Do Better

I already deleted the post that I started two Fridays ago.  It seemed silly. Boring.  Weak.  And that makes me frustrated and exposed.  I don't want to write if its going to be meaningless and read like one is reading from a high school journal. While I took a break, (of what? a month?) I went back and forth with whether I should pick this up again.  No, I would think.  Everyone and their mother has a blog now.  Its not a serious thing to do.  You look stupid, I would say.  Is there anything important that you need to share?

But then I would catch myself.  In the car, repeating memories in my head, lucky to remember their little moments and wishing that I would always hold onto how they made me feel.  Then there were the times which were so mundane, yet a life revelation would pop up.  Something simple, but profound.  Maybe I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but that scrap is long gone now.  These little examples showed me that yes, I have something to say, if not only for myself to read later.  And of course, everything changed in such a significant way last month, and all I wanted to do was write, to share, to reach out to this blogging community, to convince others to love as much as they could, to connect and show how we are all similar, and to inspire you to share your story better than I could.

Boxes were in the process of being packed and the computer was just too overwhelming to try and fix.  So I typed furiously on my iPhone, even though I despise the font used in notepad. And even though it looked like way more on that tiny screen, it speaks more to me now.

We may have a lack of faith in humanity now, but what we really need is to have more confidence in ourselves.   I wrote.

Sure, there are more outlets to display what we think and how we can stand up for what we believe in, but underneath we are still scared.  Why don't we have more faith in ourselves to change? To love more. To use our gifts.  To reach out and be the best that we can be.  Not for success or fame, but for the betterment of our world.  

I have to write.  I have to remember and I have to push myself to be great.  I have to write more so that I can write better.  I have to be consistent and I have to not give up.  This is a part of me now, whether its a shitty too many paragraphs or a brilliant sentence--there's no going back.  A month off was just enough time to realize what blogging does for me.  There may be a piddly amount of comments and who the hell knows who's stalking instead of enjoying this.  It doesn't matter.  I blog for me now and that's all I can guarantee.