Late Night Blogging

Gosh, its late. 

And, I'm so so so so so very tired.

I knew this was going to happen. 

We are four days away from hitting the road, so I guess you could say it is officially crunch time. 

I'm exhausted already. 



This is that point when you are so tired that you can't get yourself to fall asleep.  So, I flipped open my computer, as if it is the equivalent of warm milk or something.  In reality, the glare will probably mess up my internal sleep center even more.  Still, I will probably only get to write in this basement, late at night for maybe one more time, so I'll stop complaining.  The dogs are asleep, taking turns having puppy nightmares, kicking and whining in dreamland.  We spend our day constantly taking packing material out of one dogs mouth, while the other dog senses the change and responds with vomiting.  Even when you try to act like nothing is wrong, dogs can feel your real feelings.  I am tense, I am nervous, I am stressed, and I am walking around with a clenched jaw.  Moving sucks. 


I have a problem of failing miserably to live in the "now".  Instead, I worry about how the now living will interrupt future living, to the point where I miss moments all together.  K has been with me for six years, and constantly has to remind me to slow down, pay attention, stop thinking.  Right now is one of those times.  I have not thought about how wonderful it will feel to see that "Welcome to Washington" sign or breathe in the mountain air, because I'm too concerned with how awful it will feel to see "Welcome to Ohio."  Although, that may be a common concern when visiting Ohio. 


Moving across the country creates more stress than it does resolve.  For the next six months to a year, we will feel like we're in limbo, out of body in a way, because we'll be searching for our bearings.  Already, the lack of routine and the heaviness of "what next?" is becoming overwhelming.  Hence the late night writing.  Of course it will be that way though; this is a normal experience with this kind of life changing event.  Sometimes I have to metaphorically slap myself across the face so I will pay attention to what is in front of me. 

We will be back to Pennsylvania, many many times.

We will find new friends and places to visit in Washington. In Oregon.  In Montana.  Hell, in Canada.

We will fill our new home with mementos from here.

We will redefine ourselves as a couple and individually with this move. 


I know these things.  They are true.  We will also struggle.  We will fight.  We will be frustrated and lost for a little while.  And, that's okay too.


It has not hit me that I will be pulling into my parents drive-way a week from Saturday.  It hasn't hit me that I will watch our dogs run around in their backyard.  Or that I will get to build a fire next Saturday night.  Or that I will be able to go to the grocery store anytime and get a pound of clams for dinner.  Or go to Point-no-Point again when I need to breathe. 


It may not hit me until Sunday or a week from then, or in the middle of the Summer when I spend my day barefoot in the grass. Maybe not until we sit down to dinner in our own place someday, evergreen trees outside, but a picture of yellow stadium chairs hanging on the wall.  Or maybe not until we visit Pennsylvania again, and we take our children back year after year so that they can soak up their heritage.  I don't know when it will hit. 

All I know is that the only thing that is hitting me are my old license plates from Washington, which I keep trying to pack.  They were unique reminders of where I was back when I first moved here.  Always in view.  From the car that brought me here.  Its second nature to hold onto them tightly.  And yet, I don't need them where I'm going.  Boxes are packed and I know that we're moving, but I don't feel it creep in until I look at those plates. 

And then this warm feeling comes over me.  A giddiness.  An excitement.  Of what is waiting for us, who, what experiences, what challenges, what opportunities, what life that we will create and share. 



So yes.  Its stressful right now.  I'm very tired.  I will be for quite some time. 

But, the boxes will be packed soon.  Everything that needs to get done will get done. 

It will all work out. 



We just have to keep reminding each other what we're moving for.