Those Dark and Stormy Nights

I've had to fight the persistent urge to let out a long, loud groan every time I look at the sky.  When I look up, the sun is either just coming up or just setting.  If I happen to stay even a few minutes late at work, precious moments of sunshine are immediately sacrificed.  Days off seem significantly shorter, as if I unwillingly took a pay cut and I was always paid in vitamin D.  The dogs are crazy.  Cabin fever is setting in.  And this all is based on the assumption that it will not rain. 

But of course, it does rain.  A lot.  That's just how it is this time of the year


Something has been off lately.  Nothing has really changed.  Same diet, same activity level, same amount of sleep, same frequency of sock stealing by the yellow dog, same happenings at work, same relationship status.  But, something is still not right.  Its been creeping up slowly, a little bit of anxiety here and there, heartburn at times, and that familiar desire to just hide under the covers and start over tomorrow. 


It creeps up, in, until I see it in the corner.  What are you doing here? I think.

I got rid of you years ago.


But, you haven't lived here in awhile. K reminds me. 

The days are shorter here.  Its gloomier in the winter.  The sun coming through the basement windows was my savior of winters past. 


I thought I got rid of you.  I thought I was done with you. 


You're ready for this though.  K tells me.  You know what to do. 

When I Lived Next to I-5

In my early, early twenties, I lived just on the outskirts of the city.  School was a mile away and the mall and a Target were within walking distance.  I lived in a studio apartment which once allowed me to see the very tail end of the 4th of July firework show one Summer.  I swung one leg out the window, which never had a screen anyways, straddled the window sill and looked up at the sky, amazed, blessed, in love with where I lived.  The kitchen was a decent size and allowed me to cook on the nights that I didn't pick up my favorite Mexican food.  I walked Green Lake several times a week.  I was independent and had a fantastic sense of self. 

But, I was very lonely.  Twenty and living in an apartment rather than on a campus, I didn't fit in with the locals who had graduated and worked full time.  But, I didn't connect with those on the University campus or the local community college either.  K was back on the East Coast then and weeks after we reconnected, asked me point blank if I was lonely, and still remembers the pain in my voice.  Yes, I was, but I had the city and that was enough for awhile. 


It really wasn't hard, looking back on it.  A newfound diagnosis of depression didn't help but I thrived.  I thrived because I kept a routine, pushed forward, and started appreciating those little luxuries that make up life.  The bathtub was tiny, but bubble baths were a must.  I kept primroses on the railing across from the front door entrance.  Many days, I ventured downtown and just walked around.  I saved my money so I could buy buffalo mozzarella and really good olive oil.  If I was going to be alone at this time in my life, well, I was going to be good company. 

K stayed up til the wee hours of the morning to have our nightly chats. He experienced every season in Seattle before I moved East.  I felt the loneliest on the days when I left him at the airport and drove the empty highway by myself, listening to John Mayer songs. We would dream about the days when we could be together and not have to rush.  To just be able to grab a pizza and share it.  To window shop.  To waste a whole day watching tv together.  To walk through a farmers market.  To just be. 




All of it was important.  I was self-taught in that little apartment.  I was tested in Pennsylvania.  Now we are here, and the work doesn't stop.  We are always pushed to identify ourselves and find what we are looking for.  We have to combine that early relationship with the core experiences from PA, and mix it into this new environment.  I'm not the girl who hangs out of windows anymore.  We watch fireworks from the highschool parking lot.  Life is very different for both of us.  Still, we are together and the loneliness is gone. 





 

First

Okay, so it went like this: we got married last October, then moved across the entire country the following February.

They say the first year is the hardest, and I'm certain that most people say that without having to live with parents or in-laws.  Or move back home or to a new part of the country.  Infact, I would say that most people don't have to do anything really that hard, except pay bills and write thank you notes and learn how to get along, in their first year of marriage.  The really big stuff, the kind of stuff that makes life hard in general, has nothing to do with just getting married at all.  It just so happened that we had a couple of really big stuff kind of things mixed in there too. 


It was a very hard year.  But, it would have been that way if we had moved in five years.  It too, was a fast year.  In a blink, I went from the girl dancing in her hotel room with her only remaining bridesmaid with a veil on her head, to someone who doesn't think twice about stating her new name. 

It went that fast.  So, maybe it wasn't that hard afterall. 

We stayed the night in Seattle on what would have been the anniversary of the day before the day before our wedding.  Just us walking the streets of Seattle, just us checking into the Westin (which seemed way bigger last year), and just us quietly celebrating a year.  Not just an anniversary of a date, but a whole year of growth, discovery, fighting, frustrations, bills, and thank you notes. 

A whole year later, I find myself saying that I wish I could do it all over again.  I know that's not true because planning a wedding is a miserable thing to do.  But, one night of having everyone we love in one room, yes, that is missed. 

I would do it over, maybe, but I really just like being married.  I like that we are one year down.  We made it, although its not like we weren't going to make it.  I like that we don't expect things to be perfect because we had that one perfect, solid day last year.  I like that we only had enough to afford one night in Seattle, and didn't exchange gifts and actually exchanged cards the day after our anniversary because we were lazy.  I like that we ate burgers and fries the night that we stayed over and watched sports documentaries on ESPN.

 I like that I am a little bit different now and so is he. 

Fireworks

Last month in Sunset magazine, Scott Aker described Fall in the Pacific Northwest: 

In the East, fall is like a really long parade from north to south. In the West, it’s like fireworks: a spectacular burst of beautiful colors over a short time.

I don't remember the colors of past Falls here.  All I can conjure is images of crisp sunny days, dead leaves underfoot, and then the realization that the rainy season has begun, signaling winter.  Missing from these memories are the vibrant colors that I'm seeing this Autumn.

We are back from the East Coast.  Ten days in Pennsylvania, where it was not quite one season or another.  I packed shorts, but the nights were bitter cold.  The weather couldn't make up its mind. 

 
We returned to literally change right before our eyes.  Not only are the leaves falling during the shortened days, but life is so completely different than it was in September.  K has a job now and with it the confidence and stability that most jobs bring. 

It was an expected accomplishment, but something that took so long to happen. 

And then, just like that, boom.  Offer accepted, life is different. 

Its a good different.  With its own share of adjustments and rearranging.

We work opposite schedules right now. 

But, there's always someone home with the dogs. 

Its nice for each of us to have personal time. 

Extra money doesn't suck either. 

All the while, I am just taken back by how quickly time flies. Soon the holidays will be upon us. After that, a new year.  At times, we are frustrated with where we are in our lives, while other times we are overwhelmed with how much we have done. 

Maybe it all comes down to how much you stop to notice.  Did I have memories of past Fall colors?  Or did I just not take the time to look?  It is but a fleeting moment here, a sudden, intense burst of oranges and yellows.  If you don't purposefully seek it out, then there is nothing to hold onto.  Things change so quickly, and don't seem to change at all I guess, if you don't really sit down and look at it all. 

So, I am back to blogging.  Back to seeking out what I want in life.  Back to recording and creating adventures.  Back to pushing myself to do better.  I think I slacked over the last two months.  My Summer List was a decent attempt at reaching out and exploring the season and surroundings.  There was always a constant thought in the back of my head, "You have not yet jumped in a lake fully clothed."  There was ample opportunity, but overall a lackluster spirit to do so.  I think it was because there was always the backup thought of  "I will do that later." 

Well, there won't be a Fall list, and you'll have to wait for Spring.  But you better believe that there will be more of an effort this Fall to do more.  Feel more. 

Its only a short season here.  Soon, the cold rain will push the leaves off of their branches and clog drain pipes.  Yes, winter is a special time too, but nothing can compare to the bounty that this season brings.  It may not be like the Fall that we've known back East, but I've always liked fireworks better than parades anyways. 

Be Back Soon

We're back in PA for a couple of days. It's mainly because of a wedding but we're also intent on fitting some quality time with friends and family. I've forgotten how muggy the Fall is here and I've never had jet lag this bad before. But K is very happy and that makes me happy and so there.

Although I love Washington, I'm still nostalgic for the East Coast. This is where it all started for a lot of things: us, this blogging thing, careers, well most everything.

I'll be back soon. Going to take a couple weeks off from the blogosphere to relax, regroup, celebrate, and such.

I think I'll come back better.

La Push

There should be a disclaimer before I start writing this post. 

I in no way want you to think that I'm a Twilight fan.  I'm from here and I understand that the franchise has brought a lot of good to the area.  But, seriously, I'm 27 years old, am smart enough to know that you should never spend the rest of your life with your high school boyfriend, and think that Buffy is a way better vampire product.  That story has been told before, with more satire, better sex, and Seth Green. 


And really, before I go in deeper with why I think all of that hoopla is pretty awful and annoying, I'm going to continue with the post. 


I've wanted to go to La Push ever since we moved back.  It seemed like it was the penultimate Washington adventure.  The most beautiful pictures of Washington are taken at La Push.  It seemed romantic, dangerous, primitive, untouched, a place that is often talked about but rarely visited by Washingtonians. 

Its very far away, even for us on the other side of the water.  Still, despite our recent trek across the country, K and I felt the need for a long drive.  The day was beautiful.  Crystal clear skies.  Spectacular scattering of clouds here and there. Trees tall and proud, framing each side of the vehicle.  Glimpses of small town America as we passed quickly through the top west corner of the state.  Road trip snacks.  Catching up on lost conversations from the week due to a hectic work schedule.  Green signs counting down the miles until we reach the shore. 

Ten minutes away from our destination, the sky started to turn.  "We're getting close to the ocean," K observes.  I think, "Great, we drove all this way and I won't even get a decent picture."

It wasn't like it was in the pictures that I've seen. Very different, but still good. 

We went from sun on our arms with the sunroof down to pulling tight fleece jackets on.  The combination of wind, salt in the air, and loose sand made our hair coarse and our eyes squint. 

It was if we had stepped into a late Fall scene.  It was cold out, not a Winter chill though.  And yet, people still embraced the day as if they were trying adamantly to hold onto the last moment of Summer. 

Swimming and jumping over waves like it was a balmy 85 degrees.  I know they were looked as like they were crazy. 

I know that feeling though.  Its hard to shake.  To jump in, despite the elements, and feel the earth around you.  Its a connecting feeling. 

I held back because it felt good enough to wear a warm fleece for once.  We have glimpses of Fall back home, but the season has not fully arrived. 

I sat on a piece of driftwood, my love behind me, and stared at the ocean.  Its been so long since I've seen the Pacific, a wild and completely different beast than the shore we frequently vacationed on.  We're visiting the Atlantic in two weeks and I miss its warm, hazy horizon.  But this Pacific, anything can happen here.  The Washington coast may not be the place to get your tan on, but that's why I like it. 

I'll admit, I was slightly disappointed when we first arrived.  The orange, pink, and dark silhouettes from the pictures were no where to be seen.  Instead, found ghostly peaks and crashing waves.  Romantic in its own way.  


My state is of many sights.  I believe that it is the most unique place on this earth.  On our drive we drove through so many different settings.  And when we go back to La Push again, it will be different too.  Maybe more like what others have captured, maybe a little bit of this and that. 

This is part of what Washington has to offer.  Vampires not included. 

August in Pictures: An Instagram Post

Now, I don't necessarily buy that Summer is over.  Rather, its all in our heads.  I know that is based on the fact that I do not have to go back to school, nor do I have to send anyone back to school.  But, also consider that I worked all Summer, so its all relative to me. 


Looking back at August, I literally shook my head with the number of posts I produced.  A whopping three.  I blame it on trying to acquire a decent pay check.  Still, we did do a lot between the end of July to now. 



So, here's a recap. 

Whaling Days and the Navy band.  I'd marry all of them but I'm already married. 

 We went to the Oak table every other week.  There will be a post sometime this Fall, I promise. 

Dahlias.  That means our anniversary is right around the corner. 

 She may have a pillow fetish.

Deer Family at work

Spontaneous Lynnwood date dinner.

BTW, Alderwood has a Lego Store.  I've been gone awhile.

K's first Golden Gardens sunset.

Garden helper

The Fair.  I know. This actually happened.

The best glove bunny ever made.

Toasting an old friend.

You can follow me on Instagram @cshutty