I'm going through another "I'm not living well right now" moment. It has nothing to do with being busy and everything to do with being unhappy. I'm unhappy. With my job, my body, my dreams, my friendships, my state of just being. Blame it on the shorter days, but I've been unhappy and the lack of sunlight just brings it to the surface.
I know I will be happier in a few months when things open up. But damn it, that's not good enough. Work called on Sunday and my boss made me come in. Halfway there that demand was cancelled. We went home and changed then headed over to a friends house. She had lost a bet and had to jump into the canal.
I changed out of my work clothes and packed a bag.
I was jumping too.
Something inside of me knew it. I was doing it for her, someone who makes me feel wanted and good about myself. But I was also doing it for me because someday I'll tell my kids I jumped into that body of water in November. I lived for a bit even though it was awful and I couldn't feel my arms so the guys pulled me out and I was afraid my pants were going to fall down.
We jumped and I know it will be a baptism in the end. The day I said I'll go too, didn't hesitate, and gave a thumbs up once I was out. She screamed and hugged me before and after--the friend who would cannonball into freezing, dark blue water in solidarity. I've been through worst with friends.
This job, these days, this life. I can do better. I have to. I have to let go of the toxic stuff, throw my hands up in the air, and go for something that makes me happy, even if it's freezing and salty.
Something big needs to happen. And it needs to happen now.