In my early, early twenties, I lived just on the outskirts of the city. School was a mile away and the mall and a Target were within walking distance. I lived in a studio apartment which once allowed me to see the very tail end of the 4th of July firework show one Summer. I swung one leg out the window, which never had a screen anyways, straddled the window sill and looked up at the sky, amazed, blessed, in love with where I lived. The kitchen was a decent size and allowed me to cook on the nights that I didn't pick up my favorite Mexican food. I walked Green Lake several times a week. I was independent and had a fantastic sense of self.
But, I was very lonely. Twenty and living in an apartment rather than on a campus, I didn't fit in with the locals who had graduated and worked full time. But, I didn't connect with those on the University campus or the local community college either. K was back on the East Coast then and weeks after we reconnected, asked me point blank if I was lonely, and still remembers the pain in my voice. Yes, I was, but I had the city and that was enough for awhile.
It really wasn't hard, looking back on it. A newfound diagnosis of depression didn't help but I thrived. I thrived because I kept a routine, pushed forward, and started appreciating those little luxuries that make up life. The bathtub was tiny, but bubble baths were a must. I kept primroses on the railing across from the front door entrance. Many days, I ventured downtown and just walked around. I saved my money so I could buy buffalo mozzarella and really good olive oil. If I was going to be alone at this time in my life, well, I was going to be good company.
K stayed up til the wee hours of the morning to have our nightly chats. He experienced every season in Seattle before I moved East. I felt the loneliest on the days when I left him at the airport and drove the empty highway by myself, listening to John Mayer songs. We would dream about the days when we could be together and not have to rush. To just be able to grab a pizza and share it. To window shop. To waste a whole day watching tv together. To walk through a farmers market. To just be.
All of it was important. I was self-taught in that little apartment. I was tested in Pennsylvania. Now we are here, and the work doesn't stop. We are always pushed to identify ourselves and find what we are looking for. We have to combine that early relationship with the core experiences from PA, and mix it into this new environment. I'm not the girl who hangs out of windows anymore. We watch fireworks from the highschool parking lot. Life is very different for both of us. Still, we are together and the loneliness is gone.
